School daze

Oh my God, I'm so tired. And not that "new mother up all night" kind of tired. Ian and I slept from 10:30pm last night until a little after 7am this morning. This is more the tired that comes from packing six diapers in individual Ziploc bags along with four bottles of breast milk that each have 3 ounces in them and are labeled with Ian's name and a change of clothes and crib sheet and blanket and my breast pump and my breakfast and cell phone and blood sugar meter. I carry four bags to the car plus Ian's car seat every morning. I've got to find a better system.

Then we come home with the milk I've pumped during the day and the milk leftover that he didn't drink and dirty bottles and dirty milk containers and dirty diapers (each in its own Ziploc bag) and dirty clothes. All I want to do is sit in the recliner and snuggle my boy.

The irony is that it was easier for me to just take Ian to work with me. I'm sure that wouldn't have lasted once he became mobile and didn't sleep as much, but right now it seems counter-intuitive.

I wrote my first check for $200 to the day care yesterday. At $40 a day, Ian better get a job to earn his keep.

All in all, we did okay. I only teared up a little when I left him and had to dash out before I started crying. I came back at noon to feed and snuggle him and was back a little after 5pm to pick him up. He did fine. I did fine. It's just not ideal.

It helps that his day care is across the street. I could walk over there if I had to so traffic is never an issue. His "teachers" are very nice and all the other babies seem happy. It's just a lot to get used to.

Of course I'm the one having to get used to everything and Ian is just taking it all in stride. Every time I've left him he's been smiling and cooing. Even yesterday after I nursed him, he was on my chest and cooing. I realized he was looking at another little girl in her exersaucer and talking to her. Already he's making new friends.

I still miss those days when it was just him and me and the Ellen Degeneres show each morning.

Recap of 12th Living Out Loud project: To all the girls/guys I've loved before

This was by far one of the hardest Living Out Loud Projects so far (for me at least), so kudos to those you who rose to the challenge. It's always hard to write something personal about someone else that both you and that person can bear to read. Which is why I'm so pleased to have as many entries as I did this month, given the tough subject and my lack of promotion for it (December was a hectic month for me). Let's see what everyone brought to the table for our reading pleasure. Grace's To All the Girls/Guys I've Loved Before This is a great entry and very true to what I envisioned for this month's theme. Let's all just gloss over the train wreck portions of any past relationships and focus on how it felt to be held. And I totally agree that we have much to learn from each relationship we're in, no matter if it's the "right" one or not.

Megan's Ode to an Ex For obvious reasons Megan's subject matter is near and dear to my heart. It's been a big year or so for her as she's found a friend she'd lost for a long time and gained some more connections from it to boot. The boy she loved all those years ago is not the man I'm married to today in many ways, but there are lots of great features they share in common.

SuziCate's Love is Not Always Lovely SuziCate worried she didn't really qualify for this theme given her early marriage, but I found all her crushes and fleeting romances educational all the same. I certainly didn't have a long list of previous beaus myself. I found myself rooting for the nice guys over the hunks in her list.

Deb's To All The Girls/Guys I've Loved Before I admit to being a little bummed Deb didn't write about her most recent Ex, because I think there has to be a great story in there. But like she said, that's a little to close to home still. I did love reading her line of what she learned from each relationship. I still think there's someone out there who would be affectionate with her and give her plenty to talk about.

And my own An open love letter to my ex-husband

Again, huzzah to each and every one of you who participated this month. I knew this would be a challenge but wanted to finish out the first year of this project with a theme that really spoke to the idea behind this of sharing part of ourselves with everyone.

This month I pick Deb as our winner. Her list was simple, but I loved a lot about it. Even her preface of "for every relationship that failed there was a happy beginning" really gives a great snapshot of what I was trying to do this month. Deb will be getting a $25 Amazon gift certificate as her prize. Hooray for Deb!

As we close out this first year of Living Out Loud, I want to personally thank all of you for taking part in it. We've had 35 authors participate this year and countless readers and comments. I hope that these topics entertain you and keep you on your mental toes. I'm looking forward to the next year!

An open love letter to my ex-husband

The entire time I was in the hospital with ketoacidosis, everyone called you Mr. Powell, assuming you were my husband. I don't even know if we had been dating a month at that point (time has made all those memories fuzzy). I was 18 years old. I fell in like with you because you were funny, clever and weren't afraid to dance around in a kilt. I fell in love with you because you were honest, kind and always tried to do right by me. Our relationship from beginning to end certainly gets an A for effort, if nothing else.

Our time together seems like a different world to me. I didn't think I was really old enough to have lived multiple lives, but I hardly recognize the people I see in photos of us. We always had music playing in the living room, but the TV was in another part of the house to keep distractions at a minimum. The other day I had a flashback of patching the crotch in your jeans because we were too poor to buy you new ones when they wore out. I don't know that anyone has seen your upper lip since you were a teenager and could grow that luxuriously long red beard over it, but I remember that you had the softest lips ever. We cooked and ate many meals together, grilling even in the snow, and I have fond memories of sitting across a table from you over our plates and having your full attention.

As we spent more time together, I met more of your friends and family. I found more and more wonderful people who thought the world of you and only wanted the best for you. You have a great PR campaign of compassionate people surrounding you. Everyone was on Team Jeremy, trying to help you catch a break. It seemed like a great team and one I wanted to be on too.

You were a good player on Team Genie as well. I changed jobs and we moved across the state to a town you knew nothing about and hardly anyone there. From the moment we moved into the house, I was gone on the road, spending more nights in hotel rooms across the country than in our bed. You stayed home to tend the fires there, caring for our neurotic dogs and grumpy cats. There are lots of men who would have balked at my game plan and stubbornly stood in the way.

But you never stood in the way. You never yelled. You wouldn't even really fight with me, sitting stoically on the sofa while I stomped and ranted and worried the pets. And up to the very end, you never lied to me. No matter how many times we had a conversation about breaking the proverbial lamp, you always admitted any fault and were genuine about it. I always knew what I was getting from you. Unfortunately, it turned out to be not enough for me.

We went through more beat up old cars and W-2 tax forms each year than I'd care to remember. Together we got you a bachelors degree, almost all of a graduate degree and your first full time job with benefits.

You are a good man with a good heart. I always tried to get others to see what I did - that even if you were a bear who happened to enjoy dancing, you were much more than a dancing bear. A friend told me as our marriage was falling apart, though, I changed over the years but you never did. I think I changed into a person who could no longer be on Team Jeremy. But you never stood in my way.

Love, Genie